


Mutuals

by whatamithegeekmonkey



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Character, F/F, Fluff, Long Distance Relationship, Online Dating, Slow Burn, Tumblr AU, meeting online
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2016-02-12
Packaged: 2018-04-11 17:53:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4446044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatamithegeekmonkey/pseuds/whatamithegeekmonkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After recently realizing that she may be attracted to women too Clarke's life has begun to spiral a little out of control, her grades are suffering and she has been hiding things and isolating herself from her friends, as she struggles to accept her sexuality. After almost being outed by a silly mistake she turns to her followers on Tumblr for help. She meets someone that will become very important to her, very quickly. </p><p>Or the meeting on tumblr au</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. rosesareredvioletsarelesbians replied to your post

**Author's Note:**

  * For [guysinvnecks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/guysinvnecks/gifts).



> Hello! Welcome!  
> This story is strongly inspired by my own experiences so I hope Clarke's struggles seem authentic and are relatable to some.  
> I hope you enjoy!

I flopped down onto the couch, snuggling under my blanket, I was taking advantage of having the apartment all to myself, no Raven and no Octavia, it was a rare opportunity. I had my favorite tv show playing in the background, my tumblr open and I had been adding some finishing touches to a drawing I'd been working on for the past few weeks, three things I didn't often get to enjoy doing outside the privacy of my bedroom. It was bliss.

I knew I should probably be studying but I'd decided to allow myself to indulge in my guilty pleasures for the day. No one was home to see what I was doing, so it didn't have to mean anything, if I didn't want it to. It was something I was only comfortable sharing with myself, oh and a few thousand people online. The anonymity the internet provided made it different, no one knew who I was, no one cared if I liked girls, no one cared if I drew pictures of two girls kissing, no one cared if I obsessively shipped two girls. The internet gave me the perfect place to question and explore my sexuality without it being real, without there being any consequences, it was a place that felt safe, and just for me.

As long as that part of me existed only in my mind and online, it remained an abstract concept and I was safe.

Purely for my own enjoyment I even changed my iphone wallpaper to a picture of a particular _female_ celebrity I'd been crushing on for the past few weeks. I couldn't help smiling ridiculously every time I unlocked my phone and saw the picture. Of course I would change it back before anyone got home, they would be none the wiser.

On the surface it seemed like I had it all under control, that I knew what I was doing, but I didn't. I was constantly conflicted, my sexuality always at the front of my mind, confusing me, wreaking havoc with my daily life. Hiding these thoughts and feelings was getting harder and harder, I felt guilty about lying to my friends, we told each other everything but this just wasn't something I was ready to talk about or knew how to talk about.

How was I supposed to tell them when I didn't even know what I was? Was I gay? No I didn't think so, I'd liked boys, I'd been in love with boys. Was I straight? For a long time I'd tried to just convince myself that my interest in women was innocent and normal, that I just idolized them. I'd begun doubting that thought earlier this year and questioning if there was something more to it and yeah there totally was.

Recently I had been toying with the idea of bisexuality, it seemed to fit but sometimes I still wondered if I was just completely overreacting and being stupid and building something up that didn't exist, but then I'd see a picture of a pretty girl, or in class or at a party and I would feel a stirring in the pit of stomach that I knew straight girls didn't feel when they saw another girl. But then I'd think about it all and be right back to having no fucking clue.

All I knew for sure was that sometimes I found girls attractive and sometimes I shipped two girls and sometimes I wanted to draw those two girls kissing.

So that's what I was going to do today.

Half way through my third episode of Lost Girl, for the day, the door handle jiggling, caught my attention.

What no? They were both supposed to be gone all day! It was only just after lunch. Panic rising in my chest, I launched myself off the couch, grabbing the remote, fumbling with it for a few horrendous seconds before turning the TV off. I then began shoving the pieces of paper I had out, into my backpack, zipping it up just as Raven stepped into the room.

“Hey Clarke,” Raven greeted.

“Ah hey, hi Raven, what are you doing home so early?” I asked slipping the back pack on, trying to appear normal, it probably wasn't working.

“The workshop got canceled” She shrugged, strolling into the apartment, dumping her stuff down in the middle of the room like she always did.

“Where are you off to?” She asked.

“Huh?”

“The backpack, you going somewhere or?” She asked eyebrow raised in question. Way to go acting normal Clarke, well done.

“Oh yes yes, I ah I'm” Come on Clarke think of something! “The Library Yeah the library!!” I exclaimed with far too much enthusiasm.

“Oh okay, have fun,” Raven shrugged me off, already becoming distracted by her phone. Great now I had to go somewhere, I might as well go to the library.

“Yeah okay, I'm going to go study now... at the library because that's why I have my backpack,” smooth Clarke.

“Okaaay,” Raven looked at me strangely, I moved intending on leaving before I could say something else moronic. Before I had eve finished turning towards the door Raven's voiced stopped me.

“Oh wait Clarke, you dropped...something?” Before I had even finished turning towards the door Raven's voiced stopped me.

My heart nearly stopped when I saw Raven holding the drawing I had been working on only moments ago, the drawing of two women in a _very_ intimate embrace. No I must be seeing things, I put that in my backpack didn't I? Raven looked from the drawing back up to me, eyebrow quirked, head tipped to the side in confusion.

No no no no.

Time froze, so did I. My head began to swim, my whole world titled on its axis. Breathing became hard, this couldn't be happening I wasn't ready, my lungs burned, black dots danced in front of my eyes. Maybe if I passed out Raven would forget about the drawing. I stared at her, opening and closing my mouth, no words coming out. The drumming of my racing heart and the echoing sound of rushing blood rang in my ears.

My fingers tingled and my face felt numb, was this what it was like to have a stroke?

“Clarke?” Raven's concerned voice broke through my haze and I was jerked back to the present, I tried to say something, anything, but all that came out of my mouth was a strangled gasping sound. Raven stepped towards me and time suddenly sped up again, I didn't wait around to find out what Raven was going to say or do, I fled, I fled from the apartment, I fled from Raven and I fled from reality.

I left the door wide open, knocking into a group of people who looked at me as if I were deranged. I didn't care, I continued to stumble down the hall and out of the building as fast as I could on shaky legs,  crashing into and ricocheting off of walls as I went, head still spinning.

I blundered forward, replaying the moment I turned to see Raven holding my drawing. Why hadn't I been more careful? Months of protecting my secret and this is how I slip up? The thing I had spent so many hours stressing about and trying to avoid, the thing that kept me awake at night finally happened, and I had no idea what I was going to do about it. I would never be able to go home again! I was going to have to move! Maybe Alaska? Or Mexico? Was witness protection an option? New identity, new life, would I ever see my mother again? Was I being dramatic? Maybe but I wasn't thinking clearly, on account of oxygen deprivation.

I eventually stumbled into the library, unaware that had been my destination. With a relieved sigh I slid into an empty reading nook in a quiet corner, I buried my head in my hands, biting my quivering lip trying to stop a sob from escaping, rubbing the tears that wet my face, away. Get it together Griffin, before they call the nice men in the white coats to take you away.

I felt my phone buzz against my leg, I pulled it from my pocket, struggling to unlock it with my sweaty fingers. I had three messages, from Raven. Through half closed eyes I tentatively read them.

**From RandyRayes:**

_Clarke are you Okay?_

_Where did you go?_

_Can you just let me know you're alright_

  
I felt bad, I didn't want her to worry, but I was far from ready to tell her what was wrong, and I didn't want to tell her where I was either.

**To RandyRayes**

_I'm fine, don't worry_

I replied, hoping to appease her enough that she would leave me alone. My head was pounding now and I was still no closer to figuring out what to do, every time I closed my eyes, I saw Raven's confused face and my stomach would flip with uneasiness. In desperate need of help unlocked my phone again and opened Tumblr, maybe one of my followers would know what to do. 

I tapped away, hesitating a moment before finally hitting post before slumping back into the chair. I closed my eyes and tried to steady my breathing to appease my burning lungs. I was royally screwed. 

>   
>  **TEXT POST:**
> 
> I need someones help please!!! I am freaking out!!! I don't know what to do! I;m not out but my friend found a drawing of Cosima and Delphine kissing and I didn't know what to say I just left!! AND NOW IM HIDING IN THE LIBRARY! AND I THINK I AM HAVING A PANIC ATTACK!!! PLEASE SEND HELP!! *ugly sobbing*

 

After waiting a few tentative minutes I refreshed my activity, silently praying someone had something useful to say. A few people had replied with some variation of 'Sorry, hope you're okay', I appreciated the sentiment but it wasn't very helpful. My heart skipped when I saw the third reply that was slightly longer, from a user I didn't recognize.

> _**rosesareredvioletsarelesbians replied to your post** Hey I am so sorry that happened to you, I know what it's like to be outed before you're ready. I hope you're okay. Try to take a deep breath, and stay calm. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to, I know how hard it can be. _

I immediately clicked on her url going straight to her page, grateful to have someone to talk too. Not taking the time to look at her profile or anything just tapping the message button.

> _**artistisdoitbetter to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians** Hey! Thank you so much for replying to my post! I am really lost and don't know what to do!! I'm not ready to come out :( I'm still trying to work all of it out in my own head, so now I'm just hiding in the library and im trying to breathe but I cant I'm freaking out! She keeps messaging me and I don't know what to say, i'm too scared to go home :s _

I tired to distract myself by scrolling through my Tumblr feed while I waited for her reply, I don't know what I was expecting her to say but anything would be helpful, my best idea so far was moving countries but that plan had a few kinks in it, not my most brilliant idea, I had to admit.

I refreshed my activity every few minutes, impatiently waiting for a reply I worrying that my message had been too intense, maybe I had come off as a little crazy? Maybe I was crazy! Was I blowing this whole thing out of proportion? Maybe Raven wouldn't question it at all? Maybe I was just overreacting and freaking out for no reason. Ughh I didn't know, I didn't know anything anymore. That was my life these days.

100% confused, 100% of the time.

I felt the anxiety building again, I tried to breathe in and out deeply but only managed shallow breaths, my hands began to tremble again but I tried to focus on my phone, refreshing my activity again. A new message appeared. Thank god. 

> _**rosesareredvioletsarelesbians answered your question** :Hey, its alright, I want you to take a deep breathe, then another and remember what is happening right now isn't permanent, you'll get through this and you will be okay. You said this person was one of your good friends? I'm sure she will understand if you simply tell her it is something you are not ready to discuss. Or if she is still persistent you could tell her it was a commission and you were doing it for a friend? Best of luck._

I did as the girl said, taking two deep breaths, she was right and her suggestions were actually great. If Raven pressed I could just tell her the drawing was for someone else, and hope she wasn't perceptive enough to see through the lie. I hated lying to my friends, I knew I wasn't outwardly lying to them, but it felt like I was, the hiding and secrecy was tiring, it was exhausting.

> _**artistsdoitbetter to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians** Thank you that is a brilliant idea! I don't know why I didn't think of that! I was just going to run away! Thank you! I am trying to breathe but it's hard. I feel like I am stuck in limbo, I don't know what to do, I'm so confused and so scared, that's why I'm not ready for anyone to know! I don't know how to figure it out, it feels like I never will, my head is just constantly spinning in circles. Normally I would talk to my friends about something like this, to figure it out but I cant!! Sometimes I just want to ignore it all and hope it goes away._

As soon as I hit ask, I felt guilty for unloading all my feelings on the poor person that I didn't even know and had never spoken to before.

Way to go Clarke.

I clicked back on the little envelope, tapping out a quick apology, she was just trying to help and now she would probably think I was some psycho.

> _**artistsdoitbeter to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians** I'm really sorry for my previous message, sorry to just unload on you like that. _

I tapped the ask button, sighing as the ask box closed. I checked the time, it was only just after 4:00, I could go home, and use the girl's suggestion, if Raven said anything, but just the thought of going home and seeing Raven made my heart race. I just wanted to hide, stay in the sanctuary of the library.

I looked around the large open area, it appeared that no one had noticed me, no one cared that my eyes were probably red and swollen, no one cared that my blonde hair was sticking to my sweaty face, I hadn't bothered to brush it, not thinking I would be leaving the apartment.

If I stayed here I was safe, but I knew I couldn't stay here forever, Raven would come looking for me eventually.

I scrolled through Tumblr trying in vain to distract myself as I waited for her reply, It came quickly.

> _**rosesareredvioletsarelesbians** answered your question It's quite alright, I understand how stressful and confusing this time can be, especially when you haven't told anyone yet. I know we do not know each other, however if you need someone to talk to, you are welcome to talk to me, anytime. I don't know if you have spoken with anyone online but I think it would really help, instead of keeping it all bottled up. _

I was surprised and touched by the strangers offer. I had kind of discussed it with a few people online but not in any great detail, no one knew how much it was effecting my daily life. I was second year pre-med but recently my grades had started to slip, I just wasn't focused anymore. My mind constantly preoccupied the same thoughts playing on repeat through my mind, day and night. It was frustrating, thinking the same things over and over but not getting anywhere.

The stranger was right, I knew that but I felt bad about the idea of unloading my problems on her, I didn't want to burden her with my drama. I'm sure she had better things to do. 

> _**artistsdoitbetter to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians** Thank you for the offer, but I do not want to be a bother. _

I put my phone back into my pocket, resigned to the fact that this problem would remain my burden alone.

Running my hands over my face, I tried to flatten my messy hair, it was only then that I realized in my panic I'd left the apartment without changing.

Great.

I was wearing an old pair of sweat pants that were covered in various smudges of paint. The old top I was wearing was a faded dark blue with three quarter length sleeves, at least it was in slightly better condition than my pants. Luckily I had been wearing my Vans instead of the normal fuzzy pink slippers I wore at home.

I tried to shrug of my ragged appearance, there was little I could do about it now, I dragged my backpack a few feet so I could settle at an empty desk. I was stuck in the library until I was brave enough to go home, I might as well try to study.

Time passed slowly, I made an honest attempt at studying for my upcoming human biology quiz, but instead of detailed notes my, my notebook was filled with rough sketches and doodles. I wasn't sure when I stopped studying and started drawing, but that's how most of my study attempts went these days. The sketch that I was working on now was the icon of the girl who had messaged me on Tumblr. I wasn't sure if it was a picture of her, or someone else, but it was gorgeous. A girl with long brunette hair, standing among sunflowers. Once I realized what I was drawing, I wanted another look at that picture.

Looking at my phone I was relieved to see I had no new messages. I opened Tumblr, automatically refreshing my activity, one new message popped up.

> _**rosesareredvioletsarelesbians answered you question** You wouldn't be bothering me, I would not have offered if I did not mean it._

There was something about the way the girl wrote that made me believe her words. I bit my bottom lip as I thought. Was I ready to open up? Not talking to anyone wasn't getting me anywhere, I resolved to try.

I chewed the inside of my cheek, feeling hot and anxious again, my hands shaking as I took my time replying.

> _**artistsdoitbetter to rosesareredlesbiansareviolets** Thank you, I guess I should start from the beginning. About six months ago I started realizing I felt something for women, that i'd never acknowledged before. I think they have always been there, I just never payed attention to them because i've always dated and liked boys, but lately its become harder to ignore. I like drawing and painting women, I like shipping women but then sometimes thoughts creep in making me feel like Im just being silly and getting my feelings confused. I am known for getting attached to fictional characters, maybe that's all that is happening, I don't know. I don't know anything and I'm sick of not knowing. Sorry for rambling, I'm a mess at the moment. _

I hit send before I could lose my nerve, it felt weird to have spoken about it, even if it was just to a stranger. I already felt a bit stupid, just like I did anytime I considered it all too seriously. I felt like I was being ridiculous, making the whole thing up. I wanted to bury my head in the sand and pretend it didn't exist, so I could go back to the way things use to be.

I exited Tumblr returning to the home screen on my phone and I saw the picture of Emilia Clarke that I had made my wallpaper, my stomach tightened a little in that familiar good way and a smile tugged at the corner of my lips. That had to mean something... right?

I worked roughly on my drawing, trying not to think about Raven too much, just concentrating on the details, wondering again if it was the girl, I didn't even know her name, I hadn't even introduced myself before I jumped into my life story.

Ugh.

I continuously checked to see if I had any new messages, browsing my dashboard, my textbook sitting untouched.

> _**rosesareredvioletsarelesbians answered your question** Well done opening up! Im terribley sorry I didn't introduce myself before. My name is Lexa and I must say I enjoy your art work immensely! You have great talent! _
> 
> _I think you need to remember that it is alright to be attracted to more than one gender, your attraction to girls does not invalidate your attraction to boys. You don't have to label yourself, I understand the want, to label yourself, it's what we seem to do. Don't rush it, take your time and just listen to what your body is telling you, you're the only one that really knows. I know from experience that being outed isn't easy._
> 
> _Are you still in the library?_
> 
>  
> 
> _**Artiststoitbetter to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians** Nice to 'meet' you Lexa, I'm Clarke. Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot. _
> 
> _That's what I keep trying to tell myself, that it's okay to like men and women. Sometimes I'm okay with that and other times I feel all angsty and maybe like a fraud? I don't know. Should it be this hard? If it was real wouldn't I just know?? I don't know, I feel like I say that a lot. I feel bad for lying to everyone, I don't feel like me sometimes..._
> 
> _Yes I'm still at the library, I'm scared to go home, I want to, it's getting later and I'm cold and hungry._

Her reply came quickly.

> _**rosesareredvioletsarelesbians answered your question**  It is a pleasure to meet you too Clarke, although I wish it was under different circumstances. You do not have to figure it out all out once, it's okay not to know, it does not make any of your feelings any less valid. You should not feel guilty however I understand why you do, keeping secrets from those you care about isn't easy, but we do it to protect ourselves. _
> 
> _It's okay. Go home Clarke, it will be okay and if it isn't, you will cope, you're stronger than you think._

Her words were powerful, I desperately wanted to believe them. Taking several deep breaths I began gathering my things, re-stuffing them into my backpack. My joints ached as I stood up, after hours of being cooped up.

I shivered and my teeth shattered as I journeyed home, in the cool evening breeze, wishing I had a my leather jacket. 

My heart beat rapidly in my chest when I finally made it home.

I gulped anxiously as i opened the door slowly, all my worry from early returning, but the apartment was dark and quiet. I stepped in hesitantly, my eyes darting around the apartment looking for signs of movement, there wasn't any.

Making a break for it I dashed quickly from the entry way to my room, closing my bedroom door behind me firmly.

I was finally safe. With an exhausted sigh I nearly dropped onto my bed but stopped when I saw the drawing from early, neatly placed on my bed. Tears fell from my eyes and I collapsed onto my bed with a sob.

I was so screwed.   
  


  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well sorry that this took literally forever, I have re-written this chapter a million times.

I was pulled from a restless sleep by an incessant pounding on my bedroom door.

I groaned rolling over and pulling the covers over my head, hoping whoever it was would just leave me alone.

That simple movement of rolling over made my head pound painfully, I rubbed at my eyes they felt puffy and I had to breathe threw my mouth. That's what I get for crying myself to sleep.

The violent knocking continued.

“Clarke!! Get!! Up!!” I heard Octavia yelling.

“Go away!” I called back, my own voice ringing horribly through my foggy head. I heard the door open.

“It's nine-thirty, you've gotta get up or you will be late!”

“Octavia, get out!!” I growled, throwing a pillow towards her head.

I missed. The pillow thudded to the ground, several feet short of the door. It worked though, she slammed the door shut.

I could hear her grumbling about 'just trying to help' and 'what's her deal?' Probably talking to Raven.

Ugh.

At the thought of Raven, I rolled back over, burying my face into my pillow. I shut my eyes tightly. Maybe if I just stayed here, they'd go away, maybe everything would.

I opened my eyes, hoping I would be somewhere else, maybe back home in my room, or on the beach of some exotic island.

No such luck.

I sighed, I needed to get up, Octavia was right. I searched my bed for my phone. I found it shoved under my pillow.

Great, I now had twenty minutes until my class started.

I sat up slowly, only to flop forward, face first with a groan. It was all too hard.

After a few more moments wondering if anyone would notice if I just stopped existing, I reluctantly dragged my aching body from my soft, warm bed. I didn't why all my muscles felt so weak or why my joints ached, but they did.

I slowly pulled yesterdays clothes off. I new I didn't have any time for a shower so I replased them with a pair of I found on the floor. I sniffed them first, to make sure they were at least semi clean. I then pulled on a UCLA sweater, hoping no one would notice the stains on the cuffs.

I sprayed dry shampoo through my oily hair, trying to revitalize it a little. It didn't work, it still looked limp and lifeless. I didn't care.

I checked my phone again, 10 minutes left. I fumbled around my room, searching for my book bag, not having the energy to lug my backpack with me. When I found it a grabbed the first notebook I saw and shoved it less than delicately into the bag. I didn't care that it was my Organic Chemistry notebook not my Anatomy one. Slinging the bag over my shoulder, I took a deep breath before leaving my room, sending a silent prayer to whatever deity was listening.

The apartment was quiet, Octavia must already be gone. Raven was sitting on the sofa scoffing what looked like a bowl of oatmeal. We both looked at each other, I'm sure I looked like a wide eyed deer caught in headlights. Raven again looked concerned.

We both started speaking a the same time awkwardly.

“Sorry you go,” Raven gestured towards me with her spoon.

“I was just going to say I'll see you later”

“Okay yeah see ya,” Raven shrugged focusing her attention again on the television. I sighed internally as I went to leave, relieved she hadn't brought up the previous days incident.

“Wait, Clarke?” She stopped me. Ugh I thought I'd gotten away free. “Are you okay Clarke?” She checked again.

“Yeah, I'm totally fine, just running late to class. Bye,” I waved awkwardly before scurrying out the door.

* * *

 

I dawdled to class, stopping to grab a coffee on the way, I was already late, what was another five minutes?

However by some miracle I still beat our normally prompt professor to class.

I trudged to the back of the room, passing Monty, who I would normally sit with. I felt his questioning gaze follow me as I slumped into a chair several rows behind him. I avoided making eye contact with him. I didn't need to see his hurt expression.

I already felt a little guilty, knowing he would probably think I was mad at him or something, but I didn't have the energy to worry about his feelings too much, he was kind he would forgive me.

As our professor began the lecture, I struggled to concentrate on his words, my eyes heavy. I started sketching, just to stay awake. There was only a certain number of times one could hear about how the mitochondria was the powerhouse of the cell, before it became redundant.

My phone vibrated against my stomach where it rested in the pocket of my hoodie, I subtly checked to see who it was.

**The Squad**

**Hells Bells** : Party at mine friday night

**RandyReyes:** Whoo whoo who's supplying??

**Jazzyboy:** Monty and I of course!

**RandyReyes:** oh sweet jesus

**Octagon** : Guess that means you'll be staying on Bell's couch then R? ;)

**RandyReyes:** Why??

**Hells Bells:** Do you not remember what happened last time Raven??

**Octagon:** huehuehuehue

**RandReyes:** stfu O you were with me it was partly your fault that we got lost!!

**Hells Bells:** how you two got so damn lost walking home i'll never know.

**Jazzyboy:** Lucky I was around to save the day

**Monty:** Shuuush I'm in class, trying to actually learn!!!

**Monty:** oh and Jasper, whatever, I was the one who found them.

**Jazzyboy:** pfffttt lies

**Octagon:** Where is Griff at? She's very quiet.

**Octagon** : Clarke are you aliiiive???

**Jazzyboy:** earth to Clarke??

 

I smirked a little at the memory of a heavily intoxicated Raven and Octavia trying to stumble home to our apartment but getting lost. How, I don't know, the walk from Bellamy's isn't very far, but they managed to end up on the other side of the campus. An almost equally drunk Jasper had set out to rescue them followed by Monty. I, the more intelligent of the three, passed out on Bellamy's bed.

I put the conversation on do not disturb, not having the energy to keep up with my friend's wit this early in the morning. Instead I opened tumblr, giving up any pretense of listening to the professor, I hoped Monty would let me borrow his notes later.

I was surprised to see three new messages. One from an anon asking when I would be posting my next fanart and the other two from the user I'd been talking to the day before.

> _**Rosesareredvioletsarelesbians answered your question** Hey didn't hear back from you just hoping everything went okay and you made it home safely. _
> 
> _**Rosesareredvioletsarelesbians asked you a question** I know I am probably just worrying but I haven't seen you post anything since yesterday and I'm a little concerned, please let me know you are alright. _
> 
> _Lexa_

A smile tugged at my lips, it was nice to have someone who cared, even though she didn't know me.

> _**Artistsdoitbetter answered rosesareredvioletsarelesbians** Hey Lexa! So sorry for the late reply I fell asleep as soon as I got home and only just saw your messages. I briefly saw Raven this morning before coming to class, she didn't really say anything. I'm in class at the moment but I cant concentrate :( my heads a mess. I am really sorry if I made you worry. _

I spent the rest of the lecture on tumblr and trying to come with a reason why I couldn't go to Bellamy's party on Friday night. I couldn't say I was sick, I used that excuse last weekend, the weekend before I'd said I had extra study to do. That excuse wasn't easily believed by my friends the first time it certainly wasn't going to fly a second time. They would soon start to question what happened to 'party girl Griffin'. Sometimes I wonder what happened to her, I use to excitedly anticipate the weekend, loving to party and drink with my friends, but now I dreaded it.

Ever since I started questioning my sexuality parties made me nervous. I knew drinking made my tongue loose. I was always afraid that I would slip up, say something I wasn't supposed to, or do something I wasn't supposed to, and out myself.

I sighed running a hand through my hair, regretting it as I was left with a layer of oil on my palm. Gross.

Okay maybe I should have washed my hair. Eh I didn't have the energy to care too much, I was in class, that was an achievement in itself. I wasn't exactly listening buuut it was something.

I hoped I would learn something via osmosis since I spent the rest of the class staring at my phone.

> _**Rosesareredvioletsarelesbians asked you a question** Oh I am so relieved to hear that you are alright! You should really be concentrating on your class Clarke but I understand how hard it can be to concentrate when your mind is otherwise occupied, I know the inner turmoil you are feeling. It isn't easy keeping things from those we are close to. Try not to be too hard on yourself, give yourself time. _

I wanted to believe her but just couldn't. I tapped out a reply knowing I was probably sounding melodramatic, but it was how I felt.

> _**Artistsdoitbetter replied to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians** Time is something I feel like I haven't got. I feel like Raven or someone else will figure it out or I'll go crazy and tell someone. _

I was surprised when everyone suddenly stood up and began filing out of the room. I had been so absorbed by my phone I didn't even notice the professor dismiss the class.

I gathered my things and began to leave. One class down three more to go.

“Clarke.” I looked up to see Monty waiting outside the room for me.

“Hey Monty,” I greeted and kept waking. Monty scurried along next to me.

“Want to walk to class together?” He asked looking hopeful.

“If it's okay I'll just meet you there, I've got to go back home and get a few things.

“Oh okay, no worries, are you alright Clarke?” He questioned cocking his head to the side. I wish people would stop asking me if I was okay.

“Yeah I'm fine, ill see you in a little bit.” I smiled, hoping it was convincing and patted his arm.

  
  


By the time I made it to my next class, I was late again and much to my relief the only seat left was on the other side of the room away from Monty. I excused myself and sat down.

**From Monty**

Sorry tried to save you a seat.

**To Monty**

Thanks.

The class passed the same as the one before. I tried to focus I really did, but nothing was making sense and my mind kept drifting away, until it was an hour into the class and I had zero idea what the professor was even talking about. It might as well have been in a foreign language. I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to learn anything, even if I tried to pay attention. I hadn't done any of the readings, I was too far behind.

So I ended up staring at my phone again. My battery was going to die before the end of the day if I kept going this way.

> _**Rosesareredvioletsarelesbians asked you a question** I don't mean to push you in any way but have you considered telling someone? Even if it is just one person, someone you trust. It might help to have someone to talk to, it might quieten the voices in your head. I know they used to torment me at night. With no one to talk to I was always over thinking every small detail._

I mulled over her advice. I knew she was probably right. Telling someone like Raven or Octavia would probably be such a relief but the fear of their unknown reactions stopped me. Deep down I knew it most likely wouldn’t change anything between us, but there was that small irrational part of me that worried. What if they weren't excepting? What if they stopped changing in front of me, or didn't want to share a bed with me? What if they thought I liked them? God that would be so embarrassing! The look on Raven's face was still fresh in my mind, I didn't want to see her look at me that way again.

> _**Artistsdoitbetter replied to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians** Yeah I know you're right, I really want to tell them. I just can't, not yet. Maybe I could keep talking to you about it? If you don't mind? I think it helps. _

While I waited for her reply I actually looked through her blog for the first time. She was 20 and lived in New York City. I soon realized her blog was dominated by pictures of pretty girls, cute dogs and nature. I hit the follow button quickly.

I made a mental note to stalk her tags when I was on my laptop later, and see if she had any selfies. Only because I wanted to know if the girl in the profile picture was actually her and totally not because I thought she looked insanely beautiful... definitely not.

Class was almost over before she replied again.

> _**Rosesareredvioletsarelesbians asked you a question** Sorry for the slow reply Clarke I was in class. Yes of course Clarke, I'll help in anyway I can and answer any questions you have if I'm able too._
> 
> _**Artistsdoitbetter replied to rosesareredvioletsarelesbians** Shit sorry I didn't mean to distract you, just because I'm not paying any attention and not learning anything doesn't mean you shouldn't! Sorry! If you dont mind me asking, what are you studying?_

I felt a little bad for bothering her but I had so many questions I wanted to ask her. I wanted to ask her how and when she knew she was gay but I thought I should start with something I little less private instead of jumping right into it.

My last class of the day finished and I once again dodged Monty on my way out. Why was he in so many of my classes??

I dragged myself back home, ready do hide from the world again. Sitting in class and not listening to a word said can be exhausting. I felt like I knew less about my subjects than before I left home that day, if that was possible. I hadn't heard from Lexa again and was slightly disappointed every time I checked my phone and no new messages appeared.

“Hey Clarke!” Octavia called as I walked in. “You alright? You didn't reply to any of our group messages today?” Octavia questioned. I looked at Raven who had her legs drapped across Octavia's lap. She looked at me her face crinkled with worry. I felt my insides churn and a lump form in my throat.

“Ah yeah sorry, just a busy day, I'm super tired, didn't sleep well last night”

“Oh okay, well we are going to go get dinner soon, you want to come?” Raven questioned, looking hopeful. I couldn't go, I just couldn't.

“Probably not sorry” I Started walking towards my bedroom. “I'm really tired, headache, you know I might go sleep it off” I closed the door behind me before they could say anything else.

I sighed and collapsed onto my bed again my eyes closing. A few minutes later there was a gentle knock on the door, so I knew it wasn't Octavia.

“Clarke can I come in?” Her voice was gentle.

“I guess” I called back

The door creaked open and I heard her shuffle into the room. She closed the door behind her, plunging the room back into darkness. I stayed facing away from her, not bothering to role over and look at her.

I felt the bed dip as she sat next to me, I could feel her eyes on me. I didn't say anything, because I didn't know what to say.

“Clarke I know you're not okay” She paused. “I know something is going on, I'm not going to make you tell me, but when you're ready Clarke I'm here okay? Whatever it is I'll be here. I know its sappy and Octavia would slap me for being gross but I love you Griff and nothing will change that”.

I didn't answer, I couldn't. I felt hot tears on my cheeks and my throat tightened even more as I held back sobs. Why did she have to be so nice?? It only made this harder.

I managed to nod, hoping she saw. She silently left the room. I wanted to go after her, I wanted to throw my arms around her and tell her everything, but I didn’t.

  
  


  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope there weren't too many mistakes, i'm out of practice!  
> You can now find me at wanhedaspirit.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I would love any feedback!  
> Just for fun you can find Clarke & Lexa's blogs at  
> artistsdoitbetter.tumblr.com and rosesareredvioletsarelesbians.tumblr.com 
> 
> You can find me at whatamithegeekmonkey.tumblr.com


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